The Haze of Infatuation

In my mind a nightingale sings softly,

 telling tales of that which might ensue.

I pray I shan’t commit the act of treason,

that tempted, desperate men are wont to do…

( Love…can there be a bigger act of treason to one who has promised to guard her heart)

Warning: Fences ahead

what is it about hurt that makes us so bitter? Concepts like loyalty, love, standing up for people/things, values, courage, cowardice,meaning what you say, keeping promises….are they all in our head?

Sister called and have been on an unending rant with her. I was looking forward to slowly start repairing the deep crack that has marred our relationship. I was all set to start with polite conversation,’ the how have you been and how have you REALLY been’ bit. I was all ready to forgive if not forget. And then the she decided to kill the noble sentiment by telling me that I was as crazy as possible and all of the past few months has been my doing & fault!

In the same vein, the ex love of my life/ biggest loser fuck-wit I have known went ahead and threw me off. AGAIN! Its just amazing how blind love, of any kind, can be! Especially when you so want to believe the good in a person you care about. Its so easy to overlook basic character flaws that are so vital. *SIGH* One good thing about this time is that I had managed to keep my heart insulated and fortunately do not feel much hurt. It is just acute annoyance that is directed more towards self than him. What was I thinking? Lepord changing its spots? I think not! Anyways…so the matter is put to rest for now.

One good thing about all of this that I see myself very clearly become a surprisingly resilient person. Maybe a little too real for my liking , but hey, everybody loses the stars in their eyes. And guess innocence is meant to be lost.

The flip side about all of this is that I am very consciously not looking for relationships. Of any kind. Maybe friendship is something I am willing to keep myself open to . But apart from that …NADA. I am constantly amused and surprised when his friends ask me out and very blatantly get into the ‘Oh! you were far too cool for him!’ What takes me aback even more is that I seem to have lost the energy to love and trust anymore. That I have so consciously lost the will to want better. When people turn around and call me weird these days, I am relieved! At least they see me for who I am and can walk away for reasons that I know…*SIGH*

Guarded from self too

I know, I know….I sound so cold that it is…well, plain cold. But hey ho! Living a life with deep meaning and intense emotion has not got me anywhere. And despite all the shit flying around, I really want to be happy; with self and people and life and all it has to offer. Regardless I want to live a life that is fully present.  I want to be a person who sees magic and maybe even God in the common and ordinary things that most are unaware of.  I don’t want to spend my mental resources wishing I was somewhere else or dealing with the issues of yesterday or tomorrow–for today has enough for today.  I want to live with these people( even if they are nameless faces or faceless names)  during this moment in time, and at this particular place.  I guess the challenge for us is to “be here”.

The realization finally dawns that I can ‘ be here’ and give off myself only if I am careful to not be there in totality and not give completely. Weird huh?