One of the good things about being honest to yourself( in my case, delayed honesty), is that it helps you spot your own bullshit much faster.The bad thing is, sometimes a little harmless bullshit is quite a pleasant diversion from what is invariably the much harsher realities of a bullshit-free existence.
Spoke with darling sis last evening. She saw a frail ill distant relative and was reminded of pa. While speaking with me she broke down again. 
Brought back the horror and pain of watching pa die and not being able to do anything at all. I tried to tell her its okay to yet grieve for a loved one, but hell! I hung up and burst into tears myself! For a good 20 mins! In my office rest room. When I walked out I was all smiles and didn’t let anybody into the fact that I felt sick in my heart. When a friend colleague asked me if I was okay, I just flashed my dimples!
*SIGH* Being a thinking, passionate, feeling individual works to my detriment. I want to be mundane, regular, stoic,stable,practical,less volatile, contained,less impulsive, incapable of feeling and wanting. On days like this I just want to be vanilla. On days like this, my past which makes me the ‘so called interesting person’ haunts me with vicious malice! On days like this I just don’t want to be me.
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