telling tales of that which might ensue.

I pray I shan’t commit the act of treason,

that tempted, desperate men are wont to do…

( Love…can there be a bigger act of treason to one who has promised to guard her heart)

Sister called and have been on an unending rant with her. I was looking forward to slowly start repairing the deep crack that has marred our relationship. I was all set to start with polite conversation,’ the how have you been and how have you REALLY been’ bit. I was all ready to forgive if not forget. And then the she decided to kill the noble sentiment by telling me that I was as crazy as possible and all of the past few months has been my doing & fault!

In the same vein, the ex love of my life/ biggest loser fuck-wit I have known went ahead and threw me off. AGAIN! Its just amazing how blind love, of any kind, can be! Especially when you so want to believe the good in a person you care about. Its so easy to overlook basic character flaws that are so vital. *SIGH* One good thing about this time is that I had managed to keep my heart insulated and fortunately do not feel much hurt. It is just acute annoyance that is directed more towards self than him. What was I thinking? Lepord changing its spots? I think not! Anyways…so the matter is put to rest for now.

One good thing about all of this that I see myself very clearly become a surprisingly resilient person. Maybe a little too real for my liking , but hey, everybody loses the stars in their eyes. And guess innocence is meant to be lost.

The flip side about all of this is that I am very consciously not looking for relationships. Of any kind. Maybe friendship is something I am willing to keep myself open to . But apart from that …NADA. I am constantly amused and surprised when his friends ask me out and very blatantly get into the ‘Oh! you were far too cool for him!’ What takes me aback even more is that I seem to have lost the energy to love and trust anymore. That I have so consciously lost the will to want better. When people turn around and call me weird these days, I am relieved! At least they see me for who I am and can walk away for reasons that I know…*SIGH*

Guarded from self too

I know, I know….I sound so cold that it is…well, plain cold. But hey ho! Living a life with deep meaning and intense emotion has not got me anywhere. And despite all the shit flying around, I really want to be happy; with self and people and life and all it has to offer. Regardless I want to live a life that is fully present.  I want to be a person who sees magic and maybe even God in the common and ordinary things that most are unaware of.  I don’t want to spend my mental resources wishing I was somewhere else or dealing with the issues of yesterday or tomorrow–for today has enough for today.  I want to live with these people( even if they are nameless faces or faceless names)  during this moment in time, and at this particular place.  I guess the challenge for us is to “be here”.

The realization finally dawns that I can ‘ be here’ and give off myself only if I am careful to not be there in totality and not give completely. Weird huh?

The gist of the past three months being…I gave & spent my money on people I thought could be trusted with it. In return, my mother threw me out of the house overnight. I was on the streets in a jiffy! My ex -boyfriend who was supposedly my best friend, refused to give me back my cash and absconded leaving me stranded in a strange city where I knew not a single soul. I spent nights & days at random colleagues place and my ex-bfs’ best friend took me in and looked out for me. Absolute strangers stepped up and were kind. I spent many mornings in the office crying my heart out cos I was plain petrified and lost. I almost went back to France. My family, which includes my dear sister and brother, refused to stand up for me and ask my step mother to do the right thing. I had oats for breakfast , one meal a day( colleagues all bringing extra food to feed me) and lived on maggie noodles & watermelon for that a month and half. Even after I moved into my place I didn’t have the money to buy my gas!

Finally at the end of a 38 days, I found a cozy little 1 BHK which instantly felt like home. My boss lent me money for the deposit in a jiffy!My best friend transferred money so that I would not have to live off fruits!My wuss sisters dear husband called me up almost every single day to check in on me! I have moved in, had my house warming party and finally I have a place that I am proud of going back to every single day! I am proud to have people over cos …well, cos I have damned good taste and it has turned out very very neat! It is in a posh area, on the second floor , faces a park and has a terrace that one can only go up!

Dear friends have moved away from the city …I don’t know people here except for my colleagues and in my head, I feel quite lost. However, I am very proud that I am making it…by myself! I yet feel a little horrified at parts of last year when I moved to the country to be with the ‘presumed’ love of my life and we ended up living in a horrible little hole of a place! *SHUDDER* I wish he could come to my place now and see just HOW much I fell below my own standards for him and how much toll it took on me! I am a fancy woman and well….I deserve it!

Here’s to being a single woman in a new city…here’s to  resilience of the spirit…here’s to the phone call that never came…here’s to the sister & piece of my heart who is  no longer a part of life…here’s to the love that was never real…here’s to the happily ever after I might never find…here’s to all the people who stood by me, especially ones who barely knew me….here’s to me trying-once again to find the words in my life, here’s to the happiness that I believe will come to me in unconventional ways when I least expect it… here’s to destiny and the hope that all will be fine after all…

Thought I’ll go out and go for a walk. A real long walk it turning out to be! : )

One of the good things about being honest to yourself( in my case, delayed honesty), is that it helps you spot your own bullshit much faster.The bad thing is, sometimes a little harmless bullshit is quite a pleasant diversion from what is invariably the much harsher realities of a bullshit-free existence.

Spoke with darling sis last evening. She saw a frail ill distant relative and was reminded of pa. While speaking with me she broke down again. Brought back the horror and pain of watching pa die and not being able to do anything at all. I tried to tell her its okay to yet grieve for a loved one, but hell! I hung up and burst into tears myself! For a good 20 mins! In my office rest room. When I walked out I was all smiles and didn’t let anybody into the fact that I felt sick in my heart. When a friend colleague asked me if I was okay, I just flashed my dimples!

*SIGH* Being a thinking, passionate, feeling individual works to my detriment. I want to be mundane, regular, stoic,stable,practical,less volatile, contained,less impulsive, incapable of feeling and wanting. On days like this I just want to be vanilla. On days like this, my past which makes me the ‘so called interesting person’ haunts me with vicious malice! On days like this I just don’t want to be me.

‘…suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope- into a better shape’.

I guess they understand, how lonely life has been.
But life began again, the day you took my hand.

And yes, I know how lonely life can be.
The shadows follow me and the night won’t set me free.
But I don’t let the evening get me down.
Now that hope’s around me.

And you love me too, your thoughts are just for me.
You set my spirit free, I’m happy that you do.

The book of life is brief, and once a page is read.
All but love is dead, that is my belief.

And yes, I know how lonely life can be.
The shadows follow me and the night won’t set me free.
But I don’t let the evening get me down.
Now that hope’s

around me.

It’s not a silly little moment
It’s not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love that we’ve been working wrong on
Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody’s gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We’re goin down
and you can see it too
We’re goin down
and you know that we’re doomed
my dear
we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it’s nothin to me
baby, you’re the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you’ll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just to hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can’t understand

We’re goin down
and you can see it too
We’re goin down
and you know that we’re doomed
my dear
we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don’t you
Go cry about it why don’t you
Go cry about it why don’t you
my dear, we’re slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow

Anyways, I just HAD to put this up! Its from a very inspiring spirited lady called Cindy who I  very regulary read for my doze of pick-me-up words. Do visit her!  So, here goes…

Life is about celebrating ...every moment, every person, every emotion...

To live a few years in pleasure and pain
To love and to hold and kiss all in vain
To wishing an end to life’s winding road

To think you made it

To cracking the code!

To falling and breaking and bleeding all out
To patching it up with many a doubt

To slowly regaining the friends loved and lost
To calling on angels
To paying the cost…

To dreaming and flying and jumping off ledges!
To reading and writing and polishing edges

To learning to learn and forgiving the careless
To wizening up and teaching the aimless

To sweeping the inside and reading of zooks
To finding the answer in many old books

To walking the path and learning from rivers
To changing the world and giving the givers

For I’ve lived a grand life and must never forget
In the end we’re all here just paying a debt

So what else is there left but to make a fine toast:
There is bliss to be followed!
Scream it out in great boast!

Poet -Cindy

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I’ve looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

The difference between a moral being and a being of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he/she has not been caught.

*though why does it matter I have no clue.